Short Stories From 10 Years Ago – July 26, 2004

Short Stories From 10 Years Ago – July 26, 2004 

On Vacation

Short Stories From 10 Years Ago – July 26, 2004 – Okay, it’s official – I am on vacation. I turned my pager off this morning about eleven o’clock and faxed a notice to the office to have my calls transferred to a colleague. I am free as a bird – sort of. I’m thinking that I don’t have a lot of business lined up for the fall, and what if I don’t get any new business.

How long will my money last? What if I never do another deal? Should I really be taking time off? The answer is a resounding “yes”, and I know this intellectually, this is just my old anxiety ramping up a notch or ten. I’ve worked a long stretch this year and I’m tired, a wee bit disconcerted and deserving of some down time.

I spent a couple of hours clearing out my closets and doing laundry and then went to see the new Matt Damon flick – The Bourne Supremacy at The Beaches theatre. I got there about quarter to four, bought my ticket and grabbed a good seat close to the back of the theatre. The film was the usual cast of evil-doers and villains and the one good guy in the white Stetson – Jason Bourne. The action was fast paced, non-stop, with smack-em-up car chases and a liberal sprinkling of murder and mayhem. The story picked up from the first film – The Bourne Identity. At the end I’m sure Jason will have to live on to appear in the last of Robert Ludlum’s trilogy.

It was just what I needed to wile away a couple of hours this afternoon. Going to the movies alone wasn’t at all unpleasant, contrary to my aforementioned dread and distaste at the thought. The process is quite simple – drive to theatre – park car – buy ticket- sit down – watch movie – leave theatre – drive home. I think I may be able to do this again. It’s funny how confronting anxiety isn’t nearly as bad as it first seems. The anticipation is the devil. There were a number of people sitting alone at the film and I know no one gave me a second glance. I’m such an idiot.

I plan to go out and about for the next couple of weeks. I hope to take some day trips, have lunch with some friends and perhaps visit the museum and maybe a gallery or two. Enjoyable things to occupy my time and get me out of work mode. I’m not sure why I find it so hard to relax. I know a rest is essential for my physical and emotional well-being, but I have a hard time believing that I can just zone out for a couple of weeks.

The sky isn’t going to fall down, the rivers aren’t going to run backwards and Jennifer Lopez isn’t going to get a divorce (well – maybe) – if I’m away from my pager for a fortnight. I need a break – I deserve a rest. It’s too bad that I haven’t booked some sort of real getaway – a “get on plane” and leave the country holiday or a “book a cottage” for a week and drive out of Toronto vacation, but perhaps that will come next.

It’s hard stuff – this learning to confront long-held personal fears, understanding the consequences of choices and accepting full responsibility for my life. I don’t like it much. I wish there was a magic potion that would turn me into a confident, positive, fun loving woman all the time.

Instead I work at it piecemeal. Little victories are welcome signposts and little courages make the thought of my next private battle more bearable. So while I think of things to do and places to go days during my vacation, I’m going to attempt to keep a smile on my face and enjoy my days off.