Short Stories From 10 Years Ago – September 17, 2004

Short Stories From 10 Years Ago – September 17, 2004

The Battle Of The Sexes

Short Stories From 10 Years Ago – September 17, 2004 – Now – let’s be honest. Doesn’t it sometimes seem more like an all out war? People experience a “battle” with weight (commonly known as the Battle of the Bulge), there is the battle cry, we go into the board room to do battle with our colleagues. Even though confrontation is involved – there seems to be a certain civility about a battle. A war is more serious business, so I’m happy to know that the “battling” sexes haven’t yet tipped over into the far more serious “warring” sexes.

It remains a complete mystery to me that men and women are expected to date, co–habit, marry, have off-spring – parent -grand parent and finally grow old together. It doesn’t end there – husbands and wives have plots next to one another in the cemetery. Years later – strangers stroll past the headstones and read “Jill Smith” remembered forever by her loving husband “John Smith”. How sweet if the sentiment is true. From what I see of many couples these days, I wonder how they ever make it to the “death do us part” bit of their marriage vows.

Not that I’m a complete cynic, I personally know of three or four really good marriages, where I see the people relating in a positive, supportive, loving way with their partners and their children. When that’s the case, a family unit is a beautiful thing to behold. I can see why hopeful people line up to do the wedding thing, in front of family and friends. The honeymoon follows the nuptials – then “bam” reality kicks in.

Men and women have a few things in common and just as soon as I figure out what they are, I’ll let you know. The things that are different are legion. For instance, for lots of men and women:

Women like creature comforts. Men like camping.

Women like to talk (a lot). Men enjoy silence.

Women like details. Men like simplicity.

Women like kissing and cuddling. Men like sex.

Women like “to be held” after sex. Men want a sandwich.

Women tolerate sports. Men love sports.

Women enjoy being courted. Men want sex.

Women like to talk on the phone. Men like to hang up.

Women remember and replay a fight. Men forget it.

Women recall their prom dress. Men are happy in jeans.

Women remember things. Men forget a lot of things.

Women want to fight to the end. Men want to get away.

Women want to analyse. Men want to be alone.

Women are late a lot. Men are mostly on time.

Women like special occasions. Men want sex.

Women want children.Men want quiet children.

Women want bigger homes. Men like their garage.

Women talk over problems. Men pretend there are none.

Women have “girlfriends”. Men have the “guys”.

Women can survive alone. Men pretend they can.

Women really do “call”. Men don’t.

Women like lots of hunky guys. Men like Jennifer Lopez.

Women worry about their thighs. Men want sex.

Women want to be loved. Men want sex.

Women want expert lovers. Men think they are.

Women want on-going romance .Men want sex.

Women natter and nag. Men tune out.

Women re-tell the same story. Men tune out.

Women like flowers. Men do too.

Women like chocolates. Men do too.

Women want a foot massage. Men want sex.

Women want a hot bath. Men want one after sex.

Women discuss problems endlessly. Men like to solve problems.

Women want marriage. Men want sex.

Women get married.Men still want sex.

Women want everything. Men want sex.

Women remember anniversaries. Men know they forgot “something”.

Is it any wonder that battles ensue? We’re not really meant to be together, and divorce statistics bear this out. However, seeing as marriage seems to be the accepted form of commitment in our society, followed by the propagation of the species – what can be done about this? How about a few laws to govern the union? Let’s see, maybe these might help:

Mandatory two year engagements.

Mandatory marriage licence renewal every four years.

Children only after four years of marriage.

Compulsory couple’s money management courses before marriage.

Compulsory men’s cooking and laundry courses before marriage.

Compulsory parenting classes before marriage.

Compulsory anger management courses before marriage.

Compulsory football, baseball and hockey courses for women.

Anti-nagging courses for women.

Anti-bullying courses for men.

Anti-sniping courses for both men and women.

Affairs are frowned upon but can’t be legislated against.

Mandatory pre-divorce counselling.

Divorce can sometimes be the right answer – but if the above rules were followed, it would be far more civilized and perhaps less likely.

Now who you may well ask is going to be in charge of the above “diploma” program? “Women”, of course, is the right answer. “Why should this be so” you’re wondering – especially if you’re a man. Well, the answer is simple. It’s usually women who want to get married, and the fairer sex is organized, detailed, talkative and more likely to remember that the course is on Tuesday nights. While women are busy scheduling the course, the guys are happy to be going on a camping trip where they can fart, drink beer and dream about all the sex they’re going to have once they get married.

Those of us not dating, not in love, not engaged, not married, not having an affair, not wanting a divorce and not getting a divorce – wonder what all the “marriage” consternation is about. We’re just about to open a bottle of wine on a Friday night, order a pizza or Chinese, change into our sweats, watch a good movie or read a great book. Our battle of the sexes may exist at work or with a sibling but on the home front, where peace and quiet really matter – we’re cruising. If we do have a battle coming up, we’ve got time to prepare for it and to buy a weapon. Joke – that was just a joke . All kidding aside, I think men are great. In general most of them mean well and a few of them can cook.

I may look for one some time soon. He just needs to like shopping and be kind, attentive, smart, funny, committed and talkative. Wait a minute, I’m talking about my girlfriends here. Okay, maybe I’ll be ready to plunge into “the battle of the sexes” when I’ve attained a modicum of appreciation for football, baseball, hockey, camping, silence, simplicity, beer and sex. Well, come to think of it, the sex is a bit is a bonus – but those darn baseball statistics simply gotta go. Maybe I’ll see you on the battleground someday soon!