Short Stories From 10 Years Ago – October 13, 2004

Short Stories From 10 Years Ago – October 13, 2004

Out & About With The Alphabet Boys

Short Stories From 10 Years Ago – October 13, 2004 – I don’t have children, a husband,  many relatives, dozens of friends, a cook, chauffeur or bodyguard. I do have The Alphabet Boys – Augie (short for August) and Ziggy, affectionately known as “the little streak of misery). A large part of the free time in my day centres around them.

Augie and I are out for bathroom parade early in the morning and by the time we get back Ziggy is either pounding his bowl with his front paws or playing a rousing game of floor hockey with it. He has broken three bowls to date. He is not concerned that another one may shatter as he sends it careening across the floor. They both have healthy appetites and are soon munching happily on their bickies, as I put the kettle on to boil for my morning tea. I usually have my breakfast in the den as I watch the news and whatever may be of interest on Canada AM., CBC or City Television.

If I have a home office day, I’m almost always at my computer desk before nine o’clock to read e-mail, check the Hot Sheets and firm up plans for my day. Ziggy is usually the first to appear in my office. He jumps up on my side table- knocking things helter-skelter, watches the birds at the feeder below and gives me a running commentary on their activities. I’m sure he’s telling me what he would do with them if he could just figure out a way to get down there. He then turns around and walks over top of my keyboard to my computer desk.

He sits down and stares at me. If I pick him up and set him down on the floor, he simply hops back up and resumes his original position. Whatever is on my desk is destined to be patted over to the side where he watches it fall over the edge. He then looks up at me with a smug grin on his chops. Ziggy will not be denied or ignored. When he’s had enough, he either curls up in his basket beside my filing cabinet or ambles off in search of his big brother Augie. If Augie has gone back to bed – all will be quiet for awhile, and Ziggy will plop down on his bed in the den for a snooze.

If Augie is playing with his toys then it’s time for all out warfare. Ziggy ambushes Augie at every turn and tackles him with great flying leaps. Augie comes thundering down the hall with his bone in his mouth and Ziggy in hot pursuit. They lurch around the corner and plow through my office door. Augie’s bone usually goes flying, Ziggy jumps on Augie’s neck or swats his ears and then the two of them stand there and watch me.

Augie has a running commentary of noises that sound like, “bwa – bwa – bwa”. He then repeats “bwa – bwa – bwa” in a different key. This running commentary can go on for a full five minutes. Ziggy sometimes joins in with the odd ‘meow”, but more often than not his attention gets diverted away from me to his brother. He is planning his next assault in elaborate detail and Augie always gets sucker-punched. They sometimes stretch out on my office floor together or wander back down to the den to see what mischief can be made inside its walls. Lunch is the next big event of the day and they’re both eager participants. I have no idea what they do when I’m not at home, but missing tea candles and sofa pillows on the floor give me some clues.

It has become increasingly clear to me that The Alphabet Boys have altogether too much time on their paws, so I’m putting them to work on my new Web Site. Editors-at-Large of a web site should decrease their available time for devilment and dastardly deeds. They already zoom around town in their Mini. Now I’m going to assign them some tasks. I’m anticipating that I’ll hear some drivel about the breaking of “puppy and kitten laws” – but too bad for them. If they can afford to buy their own car by saving up their allowance – they can go out to work to pay for gas, insurance and maintenance.

I’m expecting well drafted and witty observations from them on such events as Caribana, trips to the ROM and the AGO, restaurant and gallery openings, an evening at Casino Rama, musical and theatre extravaganzas, street sales, Taste of the Danforth, The Beaches Jazz Festival, Ontario Place’s Festival of Fire, the Opera, Stratford plays, everyday political machinations, street interviews with working people, overloaded moms and dads, school kids and teachers, the Toronto Humane Society’s Paws in the Park day and a myriad of other yearly celebrations – such as Christmas, Easter, Halloween, Thanksgiving, New Years, July 1^st and Groundhog Day.

I anticipate colourful commentary and skilfully drafted prose. What I’ll get is another story – but it’s high time that The Alphabet Boys started to pay their way around here. It takes time and money to maintain this household and I’m tired of shouldering all the responsibility. There – I’ve said it.

As if on queue, Ziggy sauntered into my office, no doubt looking for an ear scratch. It’s eight-thirty in the evening and he’ll be expecting an after dinner snack. I know The Boys use my computer when I’m not around. Ziggy’s telltale grey fur stuck between the keys gives him away. I’m sure Augie just observes – his paws are too big to type on the keyboard. It will be only be a matter of time before they start lobbying for their own E-mail address and they’ll no doubt be expecting to use my high-speed internet account.

I can now hear Augie rooting around in his bed – probably looking for his driver’s license. Ziggy has given up on his quest to drive the Mini – he’ just too short. Augie just moseyed into my office with his scarf and aviator shades at the ready, and nodded at his little brother. Ziggy has his nap sack slung over his shoulder. I watch them stroll through the garden below and out to their Mini Cooper. There is never any comment on where they’re going – but as a mother – I can only hope they’re home before sun-up!

P.S. – 2014 – The Alphabet Boys – Augie and Ziggy remained devoted friends until Augie died in 2007. They had a special bond that started when I rescued Ziggy from my garden (his mother was a feral cat) at 3 days old and raised him using an eyedropper – and then a doll’s plastic bottle. He was not expected to live. Ziggy slept in Augie’s dog bed for 3 weeks after his death and missed him terribly. Ziggy still keeps the home fires burning – he is 15 now!